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Not shrinking or disappearing into my pit of pain
Not wanting to scream at my suffering my shame
Not wanting to hollow at a life that's so cruel
Not wanting to make out that actually I'm cool
With all that has happened, happening and all that's a sin
Not making bold gestures of taking off my ring
Not saying I agree when inside there's pain
While inside I'm suffering from the assault and the shame
I'm sitting up now in a god awful bed
With a smell of the drains and bugs I used to dread
I'm typing away at a god awful din
But for a first and not the last it's not a noise from within
I'm not sitting hear riddled by guilt shame and fear
Not questioning myself, now does rape make me queer
I'm sat bolt up right with comfort in my shoulders
With love in my heart that burns strong not just little smoulders
My life's been ignited by life's BBQ
this journey I've taken has given me the clue
To happiness strength an vitality
I truly know now that I can be, I am going to be very happy
Happy in life with what ever cards are dealt
Not washed up like those bottles on Egypt's Beach shelf
You see I chose to be hear with my estranged wife's blessing
I'm hear for a purpose to learn life's lesson
A blessing I got but I did not need permission
To step on that plane and not do gods but Antony's mission
A retreat I did seek for me from me to win
It was a calling not a direction , a voice from within
Nobody told me to search for this week
Nobody told me I needed to find this, to seek
It was a calling to search on the Internet
A calling to make my final must have bet
I was the one that chose to be alone and be hear
Just like I was the one who picked up that beer
Just like I was the one who drove her away
I was the one who made our marriage decay
But this difference in this choice is I made it for me
I made it from within not for illness or society
I made this choice to get my self better
And I chose the destination I chose every letter
I was not blinded by love by shame or by hate
I knew I had to come to empty my plate
I knew what was needed for my soul to be free
From trauma from suffering from anxiety
I needed a place close to the bible
To become strong to be a disciple
Not to turn to god or turn into a Buddha
But to steer my self with my own ships rudder
To take on a journey laid out by myself
Not cry over wedding photos taken off our shelf
Not to say why me what have I done
Or to come on a Jolly an excuse for some fun
Not to spend what I don't have to satisfy me
I needed to come to set my spirit free
So hear I am sat in my god awful bed
With nothing but calm running through my head
Never did I dream of sleeping on a pillow of sand
Never did I dream on my own 2 feet I could stand
I seeked in life to live in the eye of the storm
To be relaxed in the centre while around me life's torn
That was my goal to be happy not strife
At the centre is me around me my life
That was my goal to live at the heart of a hurricane
Is it any wonder life's drove me batty , insane
Is it any wonder I drove my wife and family mad
Is it any wonder she sees our future as bad
Is it any wonder my heads beaten mostly spinning
That I cannot think never mind getting on with winning
When I was in the eye I felt happiness in life
This was the moment I'd share happiness with my wife
Id say it I'd mean it I'd be calm in the centre
It was the eye of the storm not a babies safe loving placenta
How can you stay happy surrounded by 100 hundred mile an hour winds
Is it any wonder when your spinning you committed such sins
I lived for life with a goal in the eye
Is it any wonder why I broke so many tears I did cry
Is it any wonder my wife would sit waiting fearing the next blast
Is it any wonder that my marriage and happiness did not last
How I spotted the flaw in the eye of the storm was not healthy
Well 5 days into my retreat my life felt so wealthy
So admit yet again at last I am free
Just like 8 years old sat on my nana's knee
So there I am with final freedom from Rape
A separation no more trauma on my plate
I'm calm going to bed I write a love poem
But the the winds they started really blowing
Spinning and spinning those winds did blow
The subject now filling me was no longer rape as foe
Now tipping in was a new reality
One that stripped me so quick from walking so happily
Not ever after or future but to the loss of my girl
The reality landed and the twister did twirl
She's gone she's gone she fucking hates me
Well maybe not from the time we spent on Saturday
Yes after 6 weeks of trauma comforted and understanding I finally did get
And now she finally believed me of my shame anger and regret
But wait a thought that kept bugging me
And this was again from that Saturday
The morning a hold started by me
And both seem content mutually happy
Not back in love or getting back together
But as one over the bastard rapist we could get over this bit together
But how then did come a higher brick wall
From one happy moment her mood it did fall
How why it's now 1am
Was there a reason, treason was it her friend
Was it text a voice or a call
How could this mood change oh no I'm going from big to small
Spinning and spinning till 5am
A text I did see from my now former friend
Are maybe thats the reason is that the explanation
Spinning and spinning well an answer will bring an end to this situation
Need to know need to know why did that wall come back
Into her mind I needed to hack
I can't ask her though ill hurt her ill push her away
I now attack the person that took that mood away
Well that's all I could see as that intrusive wind blew
But actually in my state I did not have a clue
I know I'll text even though its 5am
Ill ask Nikki fellow he says he's a friend
He will tell me if there's a reason maybe coming from Nikki
Why we found respect again and friends that were happy
Yes a text explaining my mind to get an explanation
it's ok I'm only trying to seek solis from my minds frustration
Craig will help me get an answer take this insanity away
I'm sure he will read it in a positive way
Bollocks is the answer I wrote this from a shitty pit
You see reality has bitten my new life without Rachael its shit
The words I wrote with a positive intent
Came out badly and looked poisonous and meant
And in a flash my growth in wellness was broken
When a blast came and my wife's Anger awoken
How dare you you bastard have a go at my friend
And blame her for bringing our relationship to and end
Don't come home you bastard ill never take you back
I knew it was a mistake to enjoy an evening have a crack
You have lost a friend and hurt her real bad
I'm so angry words are not good enough to say bad
Confusion delusion fell down on me
How could I balls up so dramatically
How why what Did I say
Then I read back compliments they did not convey
You see my mind was in a very dark place
Reality of loss sent it off spinning at pace
The hurricane had got hold and again destroyed my mind
Lost now in a sea but I did not look for excuses I could not find
I went to my 5 days and talked back calm
And as directed looked back at the words that did harm
Ill be honest I see how they had been taken
And how from new found calm our worlds I had shaken
Honesty acceptance explanation was the need
I felt bad at the misinterpretation and how my text it did read
Anger was one thing shame another
I could not hide though under the cover
I could not undo what I had done
I had even got a blast from my loving mum
To my training 5 days and my wonderful tutor
A truth came from her love computer
You have meant well but done avoidance from a dark place
You see your trauma is managed but loss of your wife has now taken its place
Ok calm why how did all this happen
How from strength could an intrusion flattern
After acceptance reluctantly of my apology
And multiple texts and calls especially trying to reach Nikki
I had to sit and evaluate what had happened
And the it was clear I had not finish life's lessons
2 days were now left to face this new burden
I had to take it on or damage for me and my estranged would worsen
So hear I am facing the my unwanted future
greeted by a woman my life's journeys tutor
Who already had helped me get rid of a torturous past
Hilsborough, Bereavements, mental illness all now cast
Away out i do see via EMT
Well for 5 days and rape cleanse I had felt free
So In 48 hours she can do what Rachael has asked
See our marriage as over and live in reality the task
So again she comes to me talking of energy
And the road to recovery beyond being happy
She has been through a shit life, one with cancerous pain
Her man he has suffered enough, they have a reason to complain
But yet she can channel energy from herself
And get the energy out that puts her pain on the shelf
An inspirational lady who has the strength of an ox
And justification you won't get, her mind you can't fox
You can't cover up what you've said, you've written, you've done
Why you have taken out of life all that is fun
Why you sent that text at 5am
And as a result hurt your wife and lost a dear friend
Why you have hurt your wife with all of your antics
And why you cannot solve it with a simple quick fix
She teaches you love by unlocking life's blockage
With energy with heart not self centred sacrilege
She has taught me to feel like never before
To pick up my life not drag my knuckles on the floor
She has taught me no matter what pain my separation is giving
That even with these cards their is a life worth living
She has taught me to feel to think as my wife
To see all her pain her trouble her strife
To understand what's she's saying by listening at last
Not just hearing words as a personal blast
To listen to her heart to all of her needs
Not block up your relationship with your daily mind bleeds
Now my offer to my wife is to give her unlimited transactions
At my bank of pain till she's vented, herd, has extraction
You see I can say this now as my tutor has taught me understanding
She has shown me my wrongs not letting Rachael's words do the landing
She's told me why those winds did blow
Why I had those intrusions I could not let go
I could not let go because till now I was not capable of facing the facts
Without acceptance anxiety intrusions driving panic behaviour would again come back
In a moment of stress and tears and anxiety
She opened a channel that landed some sanity
As we unblocked my soul and let my energy out
Came a slap in the face a god awful clout
Well it was awful at the time to feel a big slap
But from it is joy I could stand up and clap
You see at that moment when I was missing a text with a kiss
Came a pantomime chorus a boo and a hiss
You are seeking you are leaking you said that was done
You are texting again, what did you promise your mum
Boo hiss the pantomime villain is back
You must stop you must end this into your wife's mind you must hack
And with a flash like a genie coming from the lamp
Came Rachael's world onto my Brain it did clamp
Like 2 golden chop sticks being driven to the corner of my eyes
Came the understanding of her as I sat down and shed cries
Tears of sorrow sadness for the pain I had dealt
For all that at happened even though a lot I couldn't help
Like a Phoenix from the flames came a new kind of shame
A relationship floor on my shoulders I lay blame
I had so much going on so much pain to bear
That I never gave time to listen to care
What my wife was seeing feeling her anxiety
Of the Hurricanes destruction of not being happy
There was no space for my wife in our relations
My life was so full of painful situations
No malice no fault a lot could not be helped
You see I chose not what cards I'd been dealt
But neither did she and she needed my ears
To break up these moments not be drowned out by my tears
So all I can offer now is my understanding
Ill let her know that her pains, thoughts, voice it is landing
I'm registered now as the bank of pain
To take all her deposits that have driven her insane
It's never to late to change for the better
I promise nothing but ill live to the letter
U plift the pain and the suffering of my wife
N ever again just breath trouble and stife
D efinatly be there when she wants to talk
E nter her world in her footsteps ill walk
R eveal my love in a new honest way
S tay on this path from her footsteps don't stray
T ake on board all of her wishes her feelings
A nd listen in life and to all hidden meanings
N ever loose sight of what's happening in her life
D o what is needed to make happy my wife
How can I do this well it does not come from above
It comes from a place simply known as love
Not love all pink and fluffy in a card
From a commitment to fight to always work hard
To work hard at making myself happy and better
From that better place I can live to each letter
How do I do that is my question to me
How can i take these blows and yet be happy
Through love is the answer to nourish the soul
Not seeking and leaking gestures they score an own goal
To do A good dead or a selfless gesture
Is not selfless if you seek glory if reward you do pester
Happiness will come from love but from where
Do we ever sit down, do we look, do we actually care
Where do we need to find love to be happy in life
Yes it feels amazing when it comes unexpected from your wife
But when it does not come why do we fear love is over
Is it like a passing ship from Calais to Dover
Is it right when it comes from your special girl
That you take it and keep it from another part of the world
Is it right Ibizan love should be thrown back in her face
When actually it came at the perfect time and place
You should have thanked your wife because at that time I did need it
What She did not realise at that time was when rape was making my life so shit
To say thank you would be right for telegraphed love
Then let it flow through not lock it in a glass glove
Now what is needed is a sorry for that love
Inspiration from understanding this apology feels good
Sorry I took that love that felt so perfect so much grace
And kept it not released it and threw it back in your face
Used it as a weapon to to change your decision
Took it from your heart and created a division
Held on to it like a needy babies dummy
Made it go off, past it's sell by date, instead of remembering it feeling scrummy
I bet you wish you had not sent that love now
Yet yesterday all I thought was how, why, what a cow
So where do we find love feel love to survive
Where is this love that makes you truly feel alive
You need it at your side every single day
You need it to cuddle you in it's unique way
You need it to be there when you feel lost driven insane
You need it to listen when your shrouded in pain
You need to feel its energy beating like a heart
You need to know that it's there it will never part
You need to see it feel it in everything you do
You need to hear it when your lonely when your feeling blue
You need it beside you when life it does falter
You need it to smother you when your feelings they alter
You need it to talk to you when you need to make a decision
You need not to fear that it will leave you, it will withern
How can you get all that guarantee from love
Is it gods inspiration does it come from above
No is the answer I've been seeking in life
It doesn't come constantly by your side from your wife
It comes from within from life's biggest heart
It's not bitter it's not blighted its not sour or tart
It's in you by your side every single day
I promise you this it will never stray
What guarantees can I give how do I know where it is at
Well let me tell you I'm not going to keep it under my hat
It's here to stay you just need to know that it's there
You need to open your mind then you will feel its care
It's in you it's with you as you take every step
It's you you fool thats the guaranteed winning bet
Your love is for you, you love your self how can that leave
It's in your chest in your vains it beats, its all interweaves
What you must do is be loved by your best friend
You and I promise this love never ends
If you tell yourself hold yourself let love flow in and out too
Then you can get on with life you'll know what to do
I came on this journey on retreat to find me
What I soon discovered is I needed love to be free
Not love from my wife my daughters my Mum
But from the most important special loving one
From me to me to live my life at last
Then I can stop being dragged down by a god awful past
I can stop dragging others down and start understanding
You see with love for yourself there's always a safe landing
I had a sentence on my back that was unknown to me, not finished
A discovery to find the ending would allow me to go forward unblemished
Want to see a miracle be the miracle
How you do that I did not have a clue
My retreat, Sandra, has brought me the next line
It's not about being cruel to be kind
What is this miracle to bring out happy Chappie who can then just do good
Simple i now say, The miracle is me loving me, then I'm no robin hood
I am doing this now in the vast open space
I'll let you into a secret it feels fucking ace
If I can love me then I will be, I am better
Then I can live to my commitment to every last letter
I do love me and I have given me a hug
Thanks to me maybe via Sandra bing delivered from above
By loving myself I feel unconditional love i feel happy
And am not been blighted by trauma and past thats often been crappy
Cards on the table am I being selfish
Well let me tell you it's a god tasting dish
I'm sorry this camebso quickly after bad behaviour
If id found it sooner maybe I'd just be loving thigh neighbour
But I can do nothing now but say sorry for what I have done
But with my new found love I can move forward be strong
Now I love me I'm the readybrek kid
Glowing in life a life I want to, will live
From my ora my glow of love from within
I can walk in others footsteps and definitely win
And when low times come I don't need my mum
I need to love me as I am the special one
And when the glow seeps into other people's soul
I'll stop committing sins and scoring those own goals
The love for me will then pass into others
With warmth understanding not cold dishonest shudders
I need to love me for others to be able to love me to
A man full of love is not lonely or blue
A man full of love will flow out positive energy
And then will come a bond a mutual chemistry
Doubt me , be a synick say I'm talking shit
Come stand by me, feel me, judge me by it
You won't be told it, be given it, have a commitment written down
You will not have to see me act like a clown
You just will know I have love for my self
Not an image or a picture I put on your shelf
You will just feel it from me passing into you
When you get a warm feeling even when your blue
I have the ability of lighting up a room
Yet ive managed to fill them with doom and gloom
To be loved by others you have to love your self
No matter what comes or what cards have been dealt
I took on a journey mocked and mimicked by some
Was it a jolly an excuse for some sun
I new what the journey was for and to get on with it
To make me better make life less shit
A blemish unfortunately came along the way
And I fell on to a path I did not want to stray
I'm shamed at this fact but as I've been taught everything happens for a reason
It's awful it's painful it felt like high treason
But from it what I did not realise is I knew all along
I knew what I needed to make me be strong
I now know what was needed to face what is happening
That puts an end to my mood and bad behaviour scattering
I need love to be loved every single day
And not let life wither and continue to decay
To stop my self getting into a dreadful state
And be able to cope with the facts on my plate
What I now know what was needed was love for my self
What I did not know it was already there riding by Stelph
So I have 2 more days to grow even more
And take on unexpected anxieties that to my soul floor
Yet I know now when they come ill have understanding
Of what is needed from me to turn them into winning
Love for me by me and lots
Not spending money on gifts from crappy gift shops
Not living beyond means to buy happiness and love
Not seeking out compliments to know, love comes from above
I just need to flood my heart with love for me
And then you will see how happy in life I WILL BE
Trust in me as In god i trust and for the first time I trust myself
As I've taken my love back off the shelf
I'm here from now on my true written path
Its like lying in water the perfect hot bath
Come join me in life as Im loved by Antony
And maybe that love will make others feel happy
One things for sure with love come respect
And respects what I need to be a safe bet
I know not of the future but at least I accept where It is now
I see my wife's decision her reasons and no longer as a cow
So all I can say is Antony has love
And it's not about simply the almighty above
Sorry for my past and all suffering caused
But damage has come from facts that can not be ignored
This may be fact but its no excuse or justification
But from now its just the future thanks to my love Vacation
Onwards and upwards xx look Forward and understand the past
not be haunted and haunt others by it x actions now not words xx let life be
Awesome Antony  August 2013 Healing Retreat
Shared with us in our healing sanctuary, the bedouin tent on Habiba Beach Nuweiba .... place of love and magic
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